Without stepping on too many toes, there are a lot of men that have turned out to be projects, not partners.

During the years I unraveled and needed guidance, my therapist asked me why
I even bothered with the father of my younger children, considering he had nothing going for him. We built up a board as an example – his parents (neither of them) had a college education or any foundation of any form. Not even a small business or a family-owned company.

On my board – my mother finished school with a bachelor’s degree, and spent 17 years at one of her jobs before the company went under. Then proceeded to work at another place up until 2019.

Now, this isn’t to say all families with parents who have degrees have better children, but from the comparison on the board, it looked that way. My father was an accomplished artist, and had his art on display locally…even at art studios and restaurants. His family had a small fortune, which passed down to me.

My ex’s family? His mother and father were cooking and selling meth when he was a baby, a detail I learned after having our first son together. I realized later on that he had his sights set on me because I was seemingly established for my age.

My therapist told me to write down things I look for in a partner (and these are actually the bare minimum!) and stick to that list.

I have been single for a while because of that. A lot of men want to date me because they have fetishes and desires and not because they’re a decent person. So I attract a lot of men who’d rather use me than love me and help me.

It doesn’t mean I will end up alone…it means I’ve been putting my foot down a lot.

The list included – job, money saved up, a career, close to their family, their own place/car, and decent credit. The men that try to come into my life have bad credit, no car, no path in life and expect me to coddle them because I do have it together.

Have a I learned my lesson?

The advice was to stick to what I value and steer clear of men only seeking a warm body and false validation (mother issues, sexual issues, drug abuse) for their actions when life gets difficult for them. For a while, it was a shock to the system because so many men are harboring soul shattering secrets…and pretending they’re good people.

It wasn’t until recently, I decided that loving myself is more than enough. Does it keep the wrong type away from me? Of course not, because as an attractive woman, men like that are always seeking some type of way in. But I remind myself of the boundaries set, the respect I have for myself, and the life I’ve built back up again, that I do not wish to sacrifice any of it because someone else refuses to do their shadow work.

It was some of the best advice I’d been given as an adult.