On your quest to rediscover who you are, you often, unfortunately uncover injuries from your upbringing that bring about terrible memories. While we talk about lack of love or abuse from fathers often, I think we don’t divulge enough on abusive mothers.
First and foremost, despite how my mother was, I loved her.
However, love doesn’t change how horrible one person can be.
It wasn’t until I got into my 20s that I realized she wasn’t at all what she appeared. She literally killed a child, tried to kill another, and allowed me to be molested and then abused further afterwards. Once we moved away from my father, she continued abusing me.
You can blame it on depression or whatever other mental illness you’d like – you do not discredit and verbally abuse a child who already had a rough upbringing. One that she was fully aware of and didn’t take the time to save me from.
So it began. She talked about my weight, the fact that she felt I was worthless. She assumed I’d be a stripper or prostitute. My mother used religion to belittle me even further.
Whenever I made strides towards what I wanted to do, she’d find any reason I shouldn’t. Cutting off the internet, laughing in my face when I needed a device or money, and still slandering me as a woman of color.
Eventually, I began to clap back because I was pissed. How could someone’s mother treat them in such a way. I fought back, she always had something pointless to say afterwards. I’d try to do better, she’d under cut me.
When I finally left…she got mad and threw out personal belongings as if it were totally normal.
Then I decided to heal, and that’s when I realized the anger, fear and resentment she had towards me had been real all along. No, I wasn’t imagining things. She did not like me.
When I began my healing journey, I decided to stop retaliating. This infuriated her – she wanted to fight. I, on the other hand, do not like drama of any kind. So when arguments didn’t work, she would aim at personal belongings she knew I couldn’t replace or would have issues doing so – even personal items from her own grand children. Of course I confronted her – of course she lied. She wanted me to feel as if I were going out of my mind!
When we moved to a bigger place, I felt she no longer had grips on me. I wasn’t in arms length. I was shedding my older self and becoming a new version every day.
No more fighting. No more yelling.
Then… she started destroying clothing I made, steal things I put together, and taking small items to see if I’d notice. I did, and I was hurt. Here I was, feeling better about myself.
And here she was trying to drag me down again. I didn’t have visual evidence, so I eventually let it go. One instance, she stole bunny hair clips I made. She did this when my ex was visiting. She wanted to sink her teeth into me and tell me to leave with him, knowing the relationship wasn’t ready for that.
I ignored it, but I did send her energy back. I had been doing so for a long time. A couple of years at this point.
Instead of fighting. I sent her ill will back. Of course, as I progressed and things continued getting better for me, she continued finding ways to hamper me…even when she’d fallen ill.
But all of her attempts, her abuse…it finally all came crashing down. Firstly, I took care of her since she refused cancer treatment. The thought of allowing her to idle in her waste because I felt some kind of way didn’t sit right with me.
I made sure my brother, whom she destroyed got proper care. And then I was angry for a long time. I recently found said missing items in her personal belongings…it’s a shame I wasn’t wrong.
I was aware of the Mother Wound before, but I am encompassing someone else trying to weasel their way into my life with the same abusive behaviors I’ve seen in other women.
Why me?
Because I’m pretty, kind and thoughtful. Except I’m nearly forty. And this isn’t high school.
So what is the Mother Wound and why does it affect your friendships with women?
Well, it relates to an abusive relationship in which case your mother was narcissistic. She was typically determined to see to your demise, then demand love and respect…despite her acting otherwise. Mother Wounds are most familiar with women…as your mother is to be an example unto you.
If you notice, you have a pattern of friends who do the same. It’s hard to catch when you’re younger, and late teen years is when it usually shows.
If you are now older with hardly any friends because of this, it is wise. However, you are skeptical of real friendships because most of the people you attract want to drain you, especially if you survived the abuse.
Women who are addicts, liars, narcissistic, anyone falling under those lines loves a Little Miss Sunshine. You will listen because you weren’t heard. You will talk because no one talked to you. You will love and appreciate them because you didn’t feel that.
The entire time, they’re feeding off of it…and then the other shoe drops. Suddenly you are competition…
Suddenly…you’re a bad friend.
I’ve learned to spot the behavior before I become too attached. Infidelity and drug abuse are a no for me…and those types love healers and women with Mother Wounds.
Except, as mentioned…I’m almost 40. I know what it looks like.
The best way to guard yourself is to set boundaries. And listen. When stories change, when tiny truths come out that weren’t there before. They’re hoping you’re stupid and you’ll play along.
I am not that destitute for friends…
Your job is to continue healing because there is someone else out there who survived similar abuse that needs your guiding light. Don’t become the pain, and don’t think interactions with the wrong type are a waste.
They are lessons – will you listen this time?