Last night, I was recalling reveries and visions, when I discovered something in the depths of my soul. We don’t often talk about the scars left over when your parent passes.
My uncle said it perfectly – I am an orphan now.
I was thinking how lovely it would be to receive peonies…then I remembered that was the last thing my mother bought me. She somehow found a bunch for $7 and bought them for Mother’s Day. A few months later, she died.
Funny how that was plucked out of my mind, during a time I was considering how blissful things could be. It’s hard explaining how I stuck around to care for someone who abused me most of my days, but in the end I’d do it again. It’s how I’m programmed.
She later went on to say that I was a great person, a light the world needed and a true mother. There was no one else around to care for her, and I was afraid if I stepped away I’d come back a little too late. I’ve been thanked for my efforts, but I don’t think people understand that type of love.
It’s easy helping a stranger. For some reason, it’s difficult helping relatives. I set aside all that she’d said and done, because despite all of it…I didn’t want her dying in her a chair, having sat in her waste for however long. Yes, she was difficult and it had come to that. I had to coherse her into going to the hospital when she couldn’t walk anymore. I had to feed her, change her, and clean her.
From the outside looking in, people say – “I couldn’t do that…she was mean to you. She deserved to suffer.”
That isn’t for any of us to decide…and is the major reason why this world is so miserable. There, someone else said it. Yes, continue pushing misery, pain, and suffering so you can feel as though you conquered something. All I see is the darkness many are hiding from…consuming you as if you don’t feel it. And when you need someone, I’m sure your cruelty will come rushing in to save the day…
It’s been almost a year since she passed. It’s gotten better with time, but there’s always something that reminds me of what I lost.